Series Seven: Shepherding Families

Leading in the home according to the Scriptures may seem radical and over the top, but it is clearly biblical and how it ought to be for every man who names the name of Christ. We want to cover what it means for a man to bring a redemptive influence to his relationship with his wife.

Even in the grace of the Lord Jesus, the battle is not over. In fact, it’s just beginning. Yet the victory is won. We’re no longer in bondage, the Scriptures say. You can’t, as a Christian man, assume that it is impossible or that you can’t overcome the sinful struggles you’re facing in marriage. Every Christian man can grow in these things. To say you cannot overcome is to depreciate the power of Christ through His Spirit. God has given you the mind and power of Christ to subdue the old sinful tendencies. We can’t make excuses as men. We are called to live in such a redemptive way that the curse is reversed in the marriage context. We are called to show Christ’s power to redeem, to yield to the Spirit of God, and to gain victory as God intends.

Ephesians 5:22–6:9 unfolds under the governing verbal idea of verse 21 so that we know how we are to subject ourselves to Jesus Christ. If you are not leading the way it is described here, it is a problem with your relationship with Christ. It is not due to circumstances, people, environments, or your spouse. If you have a problem following these verses, it is because you haven’t owned verse 21 in some key ways. Christ is calling us to submit ourselves to Him in fear.

Following are principles for redemptive leadership in marriage.

1. Offer yourself for your wife as Christ did for the church (Eph 5:25).
   1. Initiate love for her welfare, as Christ did.
      1. This passage in vv. 25–33 is calling you to be willing to love in manner and extent like Christ.
         1. Manner: in the same manner He did the day “He gave Himself up” (v. 25) and “while we were enemies” (Rom 5:10)
         2. Extent: willing to go as far as it takes to secure her holiness (Eph 5:27)
      2. Christ never tolerated us; He loved us lavishly despite who we were.
   2. Sacrifice personal privileges and interests, as Christ did.
      1. Your leadership in your home is not about you or your happiness. It’s not about how hard it is to live with someone with severe weakness.
      2. It is about reversing the curse by the power of the Spirit and putting Christ’s power on display for the sake of gospel outreach through your home life.
   3. Love her when she is least spiritually lovely, as Christ did.
   4. Demonstrate patience and forgiveness toward her, as Christ did.
2. Live with your wife in an understanding way (1 Pet 3:7).
   • Men who are struggling in their marriage or leadership don’t realize that the change is very simple. It’s not as though there is a massive complexity to their problem. Sometimes, it is as simple as believing that God will sanctify your own heart and your wife’s life.
   1. Think carefully about your influence.
   2. Think carefully about God’s design for her.
      1. She is not a man.
      2. She is a nurturer.
      3. She is vulnerable (1 Pet 3:7; 1 Tim 5:14–15).
   3. Think carefully about who she is uniquely as a woman.
      1. Where is she spiritually?
      2. What are her weaknesses?
      3. What fears plague her?
      4. What background affects her?
   4. Think carefully about how well you listen.
      1. Take a genuine interest.
      2. Take responsibility for your response.
   5. Think carefully about how to honor her.
      1. All wives share in common grace.
      2. Believing wives share in special grace.
      3. Wives bring fruitfulness that men can’t replicate.
3. If you are a “fixer,” attack that problem.
   1. Overcome the habit of “fixing” by being silent and listening more.
   2. Don’t give quick instruction. Slow yourself down. Ponder and think about God’s design of the woman and the unique struggles and burdens of a woman.
   3. If God were to put you behind the eyes and mind of your wife for thirty seconds, to see how she sees burdens, it might embarrass you how little you know about your wife, because you don’t pay attention to those things as you ought.

Questions

1. What drives you most and therefore causes the greatest amount of conflict between you and your wife?
2. What expectation causes the greatest conflict when it goes unmet?
3. Have you given yourself up for your wife, or do you still claim time for yourself or isolate yourself from her as though you were single?
4. Do you give her time and attention only when it is convenient for you?
5. How much of your trouble in your relationship is related, not to your wife’s sin, but to your unwillingness to offer yourself, and you are simply reaping the consequences of it?
6. When your wife betrays a role that God has given her, does your mind gravitate toward how God forgave you for failures with His commands?
7. For single men—In what areas in any of my relationships am I presently self-absorbed?