Series Seven: Shepherding Families

God sovereignly creates a family unit when a man and woman leave their parents and join together in a one-flesh marriage. God’s design for marriage normally results in the birth of children. In His design, fathers are called to lead the family according to biblical principles. We will examine the biblical mandates as they relate to the forming of the father’s character and convictions as he leads in the home. The father’s character impacts his wife, his children, and the ultimate success of the family unit.

Six character principles

Character Principle #1: Trusting in the Sovereignty of God

Your faith must be grounded in trusting that God is sovereign—and I am not.

1. God works all things after the counsel of His will (Eph 1:11).
2. God’s sovereignty should affect all our thoughts and responses (Ps 115:3).
3. Faith is tested in God-ordained trials.
   1. He stretches and strengthens faith; producing endurance (Jas 1).
   2. Tests always produce stamina when you are persuaded that God’s planned outcome is always for our best and always for His glory.
   3. God is always faithful as He stretches a believer and sovereignly controls the parameters to produce more faith. He does not desire to crush your faith; He is in fact protecting your faith.

Character Principle #2: Seeing Leadership in the Home As a Stewardship

As stewards, this is our one opportunity to generationally pass on through our teaching and leadership in the home.

1. We teach our children to “love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might” (Deut 6:5). The goal is the generational worship of God as He has revealed Himself.
2. Only God can change the heart, but you, as a father, bring your children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. It is a male responsibility (Eph 6:4).
3. As a father, your presence in the home should be predictable.
   1. Don’t toy with your family or throw money at problems when your time and attention is needed.
   2. If you can’t be there, your family should be grounded in the knowledge that you want to be there above all else.
4. When men abdicate their role, women take over out of fear.
   1. Roles are reversed.
   2. It is disastrous to sons when fathers neglect their family. The absentee father is a tragic loss for children.
5. Proverbs 22:6 is not a promise from God, but a generally true biblical instruction.

Character Principle #3: Believing in God’s Word

Tragically, even in the church, men abandon their families and their responsibilities. This tragic state can all be traced back to a lack of faith in the Word of God. In Luke 17:6 Jesus says a small amount of faith is powerful. What would a great amount do?

1. A father must be grounded in Ephesians 6:13–17. This is the armor of God. We must know the truth and believe it no matter what.
   1. Take up responsibilities and resist a wayward path (v. 13).
   2. Stand firmly girded in truthfulness (v. 14). This is the integrity of a clean life.
   3. Be urgently ready and prepared with your feet under you (v. 15).
   4. Notice that the verb changes toward action: “taking up, take” (vv. 16–17). The effect is described as destroying flaming temptations.
      1. The shield is for defense. The shield is your faith.
      2. The sword is speaking truth to yourself and others when there is sin around you.
2. There is no other way for a Christian to live; there is no moral truth in the world’s system.

Character Principle #4: Living in Humility Before Your God

Fathers must be humble before God, before the cross, before the Savior, and before the people in your life. Mark 10:44 instructs that the greatest in the kingdom is the one who serves all.

1. Examine yourself regularly. Be honest in your assessment. Pray that the Lord will reveal your lack of humility to you so you may repent.
   1. It is not common in our culture to use such self-indicting language.
   2. Admitting sin in this area can be embarrassing, but confess we must.
   3. Repentance requires honestly accepting that you have sinned.
   4. Sin is sin, an offense to God. It is not a mistake. It is not someone else’s fault.
2. Assess yourself rightly against the only standard, God’s Word.
   1. Humility is a healthy distrust of yourself.
   2. It is not loathing or self-pity.
   3. The humble servant dies to himself. You are called to give up on your own strength (Luke 14:11). You are called to take up your cross (Luke 9:23).
      1. Imitate Christ, who emptied Himself and took on the form of a slave (Phil 2:7).
      2. Imitate Paul’s example of dying to self and giving up liberties (1 Cor 9:15–27; Phil 3:17).
   4. Hate every false way (Ps 119:97–104).
      1. God’s Word is our meditation (v. 97).
      2. His statutes, law, precepts, and ordinances guide and guard us every second (vv. 99–101).
         1. As a humble man, I admit that I have the power of the cross available to me, but I must deny my flesh.
         2. Dying to self is the most difficult part.
         3. Moments of humble faith build and fortify our resistance to Satan’s devices. He re-tools and comes back, but we are strengthened when we yield our will in obedience.
         4. Faith grows when we deny self and trust God (2 Pet 1:5–8).
3. Forgive offenses regularly and seek forgiveness for your offenses.
   1. Go to the Lord and ask Him for forgiveness.
   2. Ask for forgiveness from your wife and children.
   3. Seeking forgiveness from your family serves several purposes:
      • You model humility.
      • Your family is encouraged to pray for specific needs.
      • You open a path that encourages your children to seek your forgiveness.
      • You teach your children to humbly confess to the Lord.

Character Principle #5: Being a Doer and Not Merely a Hearer of God’s Word

The conviction at work in this principle is from James 1:19–25.

1. The mere hearer of God’s Word
   1. deludes himself.
   2. allows his flesh to minimize the weight of God’s Word.
2. A doer of God’s Word
   1. allows convictions to be formed as he makes an honest assessment of his life.
   2. reads Scripture and sits under convicting sermons with a healthy introspection of his life.
   3. allows God’s Word to drive him to pray, confess, and repent.

Character Principle #6: Avoiding Exasperating Your Children

Scripture warns us not to embitter our families or exasperate children. We must be aware of the behaviors and tendencies that can exasperate children. Fathers beware!

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4).

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart” (Col 3:21).

1. Hypocrisy in the home exasperates children.
   1. Setting standards of holiness that are biblical, but not submitting to them ourselves
   2. Setting personal standards at the same level as biblical standards
2. Spiritual neglect in the home exasperates children.
   1. The tendency toward neglect
      1. Fathers are often obsessed with their own hobbies and friends, thus sacrificing time with family.
      2. Fathers avoid expressing love and affection. The need is intense from children, and neglect can crush children into despair.
      3. Fathers avoid preparing to bring the Word of God to bear when instructing their children. When they are rebelling, it is too late to find a passage.
      4. Months or years of spiritual neglect is often later followed by a sudden change in standards.
      5. Fathers often become more engaged when their children are adolescents after not being so involved in early years.
         1. Guilt sets in and they try to make up for lost time.
         2. Self-atonement philosophy is at work.
   2. Children need nurturing and grace from you as a careful parent (Eph 6:4).
   3. Fathers must be consistent in instruction and discipline.
      1. Learn to be consistent in tones and mood.
      2. Be present in the home as the overseer and leader.
      3. Ethics must be predictable and consistent.
3. Permissiveness in the home exasperates children.
   1. “A child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother” (Prov 29:15).
   2. “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently” (Prov 13:24).
   3. Permissiveness
      • allows children to rule the home.
      • allows belligerence and rebellion by not addressing it with Scripture.
      • fails to discipline when children are foolish and mouthy.
      • fails to patiently bring the Word of God to bear on the current situation.
4. Upholding the righteous standard of God without extending the gospel exasperates children.
   • “Constantly upholding the standard of God without explaining and teaching your children that they need the saving grace of God in Christ that gives us the ability to obey exasperates children to hear the Law of God, but never know where or how to access the power to obey.”
   1. Children may have repetitive disobedience and they have guilt and frustration with failure.
   2. Sometimes the parent is tempted to just repeat the Law without showing them the grace that is available from Christ.
   3. Every time guilt and angst is weighing them down, don’t just hammer in obedience without leading your child to run to the cross.
   4. Suggest that your child pray and plead with Christ in these early testings for mercy and forgiveness.
      1. Don’t just assume their first profession of faith is sincere.
      2. Further tests may uncover false professions of faith. Such exposure is good in that it drives us back to prayer and evangelizing our children.
5. Parents’ unwillingness to be transparent exasperates children.
   1. Parents should be transparent and broken about their weaknesses and sin before their children.
   2. We must confess our sins against our children to our children. Confess your offense according to God’s standard. Use self-indicting language that is consistent with God’s Word.
   3. Men are particularly slow to admit their faults because it is hard to be criticized.
      1. Transparency requires confession.
      2. How else will we, with integrity, demonstrate and teach what our children should do?
6. Unresolved tension between parents exasperates children.
   1. It models a disobedient way to deal with conflict.
   2. It denies the redemptive power of the gospel.
   3. It creates an atmosphere of hopelessness.

See Appendix: Ungodly Dating Relationships: How to Avoid Getting Stung.