Series Seven: Shepherding Families

Men typically tend to resolve conflict in a way that wouldn’t honor Christ or build up one another. We typically resolve conflicts by overpowering. If you become good at manipulating by your sheer maleness, then the command to become a compassionate and merciful forgiver is going to be neglected in your life and home. This pattern will devastate your Christian life and your testimony, but to an even greater extent, your marriage. Forgiveness is key. If you don’t love mercy and learn to forgive, your intimate walk with the Father will be harmed and your conscience will be bludgeoned. The greatest gift you can give to your wife and family is to be like Jesus Christ. You are most like Christ when you forgive.

In this study, we will examine:

• Cultivating mercy and compassion for forgiveness
• Overcoming the tendency to neglect true reconciliation with those who have sinned against us

Cultivating Mercy and Compassion for Forgiveness

1. The definition of forgiveness
   1. The most common word group for forgiveness in the New Testament is the word that means “to release, let go” (aphíēmi).
   2. The second word group (charízomai) means “to give graciously, freely pardon.”
   3. Forgiveness means complete release with extravagant/lavish mercy.
   4. What are we being asked to release when we forgive another person?
      1. We can’t pardon people from their sins. Only God can deal with the fact of a person’s guilt before Him.
      2. We can’t release them from divine consequences.
      3. We are called to release them from any personal right over them.
      4. They no longer have to settle an account with the offended human party. The debt of wrongdoing has been released.
2. The practice of forgiveness
   1. Forgive as compassionately as Christ (Eph 4:32; Col 3:13).
   2. Forgive as often as you are sinned against (Luke 17:1–5).
   3. Forgive from the heart (Matt 18:21–35).
      1. By remembering your incredible debt
      2. By remembering His incredible compassion
3. Know when to confront sin (Gal 6:1–5).
   1. If I speak up, will it hinder my ability to be long-suffering?
   2. Am I spiritually mature enough to restore?

Overcoming the Tendency to Neglect True Reconciliation with Those Who Have Sinned Against Us

1. Does our forgiveness parallel “positional” or “parental” forgiveness?
   1. When we place our faith in Jesus Christ, then on the basis of Christ’s payment, God forgives our unpayable debt to Him.
   2. He judicially sets our account so that we owe nothing now nor will we ever owe anything in the future.
   3. He could rightfully expect payment in full; yet, though we would spend an eternity in hell, the debt we owe could not ever be paid.
   4. On that ground alone, then, we stand in a permanent state of grace (Rom 5:2). We are judicially/positionally forgiven of all sin for all eternity. Whether we confess our sin or not, those who stand in Christ stand forever covered by the righteousness of Christ.
   5. We may not acknowledge a particular sin or even repent of it, but God extends to us complete pardon from sin’s penalty and payment on the sole basis of Christ’s finished work.
   6. To suggest that I must forgive in the same way God forgives would assume that I can forgive once for all time. This is an untenable concept.
      1. God provided His own all-sufficient sacrifice, through which He pardons permanently on that ground alone.
      2. When someone sins against me, I have no sacrifice of my own on which to ground my forgiveness; therefore, my forgiveness is not exactly like God’s forgiveness.
      3. Jesus’ parable in Matthew 18:23–35 teaches the very opposite of “conditional forgiveness” between two people who stand in a permanent state of forgiving grace. Jesus’ points:
         1. Because believers have received full pardon though the sufficient sacrifice of the King, they must lavish that same mercy upon all comparatively miniscule “debts” incurred by other servants of the King.
         2. Because we always stand in the permanent state of forgiving grace, we should immediately and lavishly pardon on every debt owed to us, whether petitioned or not.
2. Do we forgive others because of our full pardon in Christ, or because they ask?
   1. Some maintain that another’s repentance is a “condition” they must meet before we grant forgiveness.
   2. On what grounds are they released? Christ? The offended party’s sense of justice?
   3. In other words, if I’m to forgive in the same “conditional” way that God does, wouldn’t I be assuming two things?
      1. I have the same authority and right to demand the meeting of the “condition.”
      2. The debt owed to me is the same as that which is owed to God.
3. Do we actually “release” others from their obligation to God?
   1. We do not judicially forgive anyone.
   2. We have no power to absolve or cleanse sin in the same way God has done with us.
   3. When we release others from their personal debt of injury to us (aphíēmi—“to release”), we are expressing the kind of forgiveness we enjoy every moment of each day as we stand in the grace of Christ.
   4. Even before an offender asks for forgiveness (for we stand permanently forgiven even when we don’t seek it), and even if they never ask, we are to release that person from our personal right to judge.
   5. Matthew 18 demonstrates that we do not hold the same position as God when someone owes us a personal debt of injury, and the debt of injury owed to us is far different than the one we owed to God.
4. We are called to demonstrate the restoring/reconciling expression of forgiveness. How?
   1. When someone injures you, offends you, owes you restitution, you:
      1. Release them from personal liability to yourself.
      2. You forgive them the offense.
      3. They owe you nothing personally.
      4. You will treat them as if you expect no personal payment.
   2. If they refuse to acknowledge their sin (both as against you and against God), then:
      1. We cannot experience the fullness of fellowship, communion, and joy until we repent; thus others cannot as well.
      2. They have broken communion with you because they have sinned against the relationship built upon mutual love and fellowship, and they have also sinned against God because it is His holy presence that is offended by the sins of men.
      3. In order to experience full reconciliation of the broken relationships, there must be an acknowledgment and confession of sin.
   3. When you have already forgiven them by releasing them from their personal debt to you as an expression of God’s judicial pardoning of us, then all that is left to be concerned with are these two very important components:
      1. Their broken relationship with God (which you are now a part of helping them to restore).
      2. Their broken communion with you—not because you demand a payment personally (that’s been forgiven)—but because mending with you is their primary means by which they restore communion with God.

When the offender comes to you and desires to acknowledge the offense, they are moving toward purity and holiness in their lives. They are not making a payment to you on a debt owed to you for they owe you nothing (you have no authority or right to hold anything against them). But because God wants His children to love one another and to treat each other with kindness, then they need to be restored to you that they might once again be pleasing to God.