Series Seven: Shepherding Families

God has created unity in us by the Spirit. We are to preserve, protect, and guard that unity. It doesn’t matter how many years you have botched those things, you can repair, renew, and grow. But if a person is not willing to do that after years of destroying those things, it is only a commentary on why those things are destroyed. It may be an unwillingness to admit stubbornness, or it may be that you just don’t admit that you have a hardened idolatry of self.

Romans 12:18 tells us to “be at peace with all men.” Colossians 3:15 tells us to “let the peace of Christ rule [brabeúō] in your hearts.” “Rule” means to arbitrate, act like a judge. Sometimes it is used for an official who acted as an umpire for a competition. The peace of Christ is referee over conflicts within the church and in the family.

1. Ways that we try to solve relational issues by unbiblical means
   1. Manipulation—This is a deceptive tactic that seeks to avoid the perspective of others. It is a deception whatever means you might use:
      1. Withholding information
      2. Shading information in your favor
      3. Blatantly lying or exaggerating
   2. Intimidation—Instead of solving conflicts, you just shout someone down, or dominate by your presence, and you become comfortable by being aggressive in relationships.
   3. Isolation—This is the pursuit of relational distance. Commonly, this manifests itself in silence. This tactic seeks to make people pay by giving them cold indifference.
2. Evidences you are trying to solve relational issues by unbiblical means
   1. The results you produce are false.
   2. It’s weakening you and making you atrophy over time.
   3. Your marriage will have little relational harmony.
   4. There will be very little real peace when you aren’t actually dealing with the conflict.
   5. Later in life you might say, “We just grew apart.”
      1. You didn’t grow apart; you walked apart.
      2. You separated yourself.
      3. You must go back and think that through and confess, and let the Lord become the new umpire of your conflicts and your difficulties, both in your heart and in your relationships.
3. At the heart are two basic idolatries.
   1. We might believe the lie that God is not sovereign. Instead of trusting in the sovereign work of God and trusting Him to bring about a biblical solution, we take matters into our own hands.
   2. We might think that superficial unity is sufficient. This idolatry takes comfort in the lie that we can be content with a fake unity. Obedience demands that we strive for actual, biblical love that denies self (Jas 3:18; Heb 12:11). Superficial unity is not biblical unity.
      1. It is a human, manufactured, self-centered, and self-preserving peace.
      2. It is always temporary. It never lasts.
      3. It gives people a false sense of peace, and Christ is not involved in it at all.
      4. In the end, it dishonors Christ and never promotes the gospel.
      5. We are called, as Christians, to the opposite of this. We are called to engage conflict. We are to engage it in such a way that Christ becomes honored through the difficulty. On the other side of it, we learn to endure and become more selfless.
4. Distinguishing between conflict and disagreement
   1. Normal, natural disagreement doesn’t involve sin.
   2. Conflict occurs wherever sin enters into the disagreement.
   3. Conflict can be avoided (Jas 4:1–4), whereas disagreement cannot.
      1. Some people actually believe you can live in relationships without disagreements.
      2. Disagreements are a part of life because we are finite, weak, limited and earthly.
      3. Disagreements should be expected, and they don’t have to turn into sinful conflicts.
      4. Christians can have a right attitude. They can avoid sinful idolatries that move us into conflict.
5. Causes of strong disagreement are not necessarily sinful.
   1. Disagreement can be due to differences in our:
      1. Worldview
      2. Responses to circumstances
      3. View of money
      4. Maturity
   2. Did sin occur between Paul and Barnabas when they split over John Mark (Acts 15:36–41)?
      1. It doesn’t seem to be that either one of them have any sense in which they knew they were sinning.
      2. They didn’t divide the church.
      3. It wasn’t as though everyone knew that an apostle and his sidekick were somehow sinning against one another. There was none of that.
      4. There are sharp disagreements over philosophy of ministry and men parting, but they are not for one another. If you are really parting over things you disagree strongly about, but there is no sin involved, the only thing you can say is, “I still sharply disagree with what you are saying and the reasons behind it. I don’t think it will be effective. I think it might be hurtful. But I support you. I absolutely am thrilled for our friendship and ministry relationship because you are a faithful guy.”
6. Benefits of disagreement
   1. You get to rethink your under-developed perspective (Prov 27:17).
   2. You get to trust God at a new level (Rom 8:28).
   3. You are exposed to your own sinfulness.
   4. You get to search the Scriptures (Heb 4:12–13).
   5. You get to pray for understanding (Eph 1:17–18; Col 1:9–12).
   6. You are forced to communicate more effectively.
   7. You get the opportunity to die to self.
   • “Quarrels put us in hostility with God in the James 4 sense. Two people are sinful and fighting for what they want, or one person is speaking biblically and the other is fighting for what they want. God’s pleasure is what we must desire. What does God want from this circumstance? We must lay our own desires down. God wants control of our desires.”
7. In disagreements, we must speak truth in love (Eph 4:15). Ephesians 4:25–29 teaches us principles of truth-telling.
   1. We must lay aside all falsehood and speak truth (v. 25).
      1. Speak truth without exaggeration.
      2. It is not easy to slip into sin when standing on truth.
   2. Do not get angry, because if personally offended, you will sin (v. 26). We can hate the things that God hates, but His pure and completely righteous anger is not possible for us.
      1. The sin of anger is a destructive element that creates fear in families.
      2. If you are personally offended, it is not righteous anger. You must work toward forgiveness if you are personally offended.
      3. Forgive and stand for God.
   3. Don’t be self-absorbed. Stop stealing from the relationship for self-fulfillment (v. 28).
   4. Our speech should be wholesome (v. 29).
      1. It should be wholesome without qualification.
      2. Build up in the moment.
      3. Be sensitive to the range of needs by the other person.
      4. Being hurtful in speech is always sin, no matter what is said to us.
      5. If personally offended, there is no option but to forgive.
8. Guarding against falling into sin when disagreeing
   1. Keep in mind that I am never better (Rom 12:16).
   2. Take heed of your own heart (Gal 6:1).
   3. God is the standard, not me (Mark 10:18).
   4. Be humble as the worse sinner (1 Tim 1:15).
   5. Pray for the Lord to be patient with your brother and you (Ps 86).
   6. Remember, God is sovereign and He is allowing this circumstance for you.

“Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?” (Matt 7:1–4).

Questions

1. Do you trust the Lord to establish and maintain peace in your relationships, or do you resort to self-made tactics? When you attempt to fabricate peace in relationships, which sinful tactics do you gravitate toward?
2. Do you imagine that you have no area of thinking that can be more fully developed by disagreement? Did you reach a point where you stopped developing?
3. Are you tempted to believe that there are irreconcilable differences between believers?